Make Your Wife Beautiful

TL;DR - Your wife isn't responsible for her being attractive to you, you are.

I am so thankful for Karrie and the life and ministry we share together, and as our marriage continues I meditate on different aspects of how marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, and how Christ's role in our salvation sets the pattern husbands are to follow.

Our world wants to tell women that they need to constantly work to be attractive for their husbands - that an athletic build, flawless skin, consistent sex, and an uncomplicated emotional life are how you "get a man," and that these things are what keep him satisfied and prevent him from cheating. But what does God say to husbands?

"Love your wives as Christ loved the church" (Eph. 5:25a)

Now, there are many aspects of this passage on which I have meditated in the past (v.25-33):

1. "[he] gave himself for her" - I must love Karrie self-sacrificially
2. "that he might sanctify her by the washing of water with the word" - I am to push Karrie toward Christ and Scripture by my example and influence
3. "so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle ... holy ... without blemish" - my goal in Karrie's life should be her sanctification and Christlikeness
4. "no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are member of his body ... he who loves his wife loves himself" - I must love and serve Karrie's needs and desires to the same level that I pursue my own since we are one flesh

However, what I have been thinking about today (and we have been discussing, as we often do) is the idea of beauty and attractiveness. Christ is working on the church with the end of making it beautiful ("without spot or wrinkle ... holy ... without blemish") for himself. What does this mean for me, a husband, since I am told to "love [Karrie] as Christ loved the church"?

I believe it means that her attractiveness to me is my responsibility, not hers. Why? Because the church's attractiveness to Christ - MY attractiveness to Christ - is not based upon MY work but upon GOD's through Christ. Ephesians 1-2 make this clear:

"He chose us" (1:4), "he predestined us" (1:5, 11), "he blessed us" (1:6), "he lavished [his grace] upon us" (1:8), "he has called [us]" (1:18), "he loved us" (2:5), "[he] made us alive" (2:5), "[he] raised us up" and "[he] seated us with [Christ]" (2:6), all "so that ... he might show the immeasurable greatness of his kindness toward us" (2:7). He saved us by grace (as an undeserved gift) through faith, and both of those are gifts from him (2:8-9).

So what? This fact - that God took the initiative to make me attractive to himself through his self-sacrificial love, unconditional grace, and immeasurable kindness - means that I (a husband) need to take the initiative to make Karrie (my wife) attractive to me through self-sacrificial love, unconditional grace, and immeasurable kindness. Her beauty to me has nothing to do with her outward appearance, since God actually says she shouldn't focus on these things and should instead cultivate godliness (1 Pet. 3:3-4), and this should be my desire for her as well (see Eph. 5:26-27 again); nor is it conditioned upon how she treats me, because we are one flesh, and for me to love her is to love myself (see Eph. 5:29-30 again).

And why is this such a big deal? Because for my wife and anyone else who observes, my love for Karrie is supposed to show them a glimpse of how God loves them. Karrie should be encouraged that God loves her by how I love her. Our fellow church members in difficult marriages should be encouraged that God loves them by how I love Karrie. Our single friends should be encouraged that God loves them by how I love Karrie. Our grieving fellow church members should be encouraged that God loves them by how I love Karrie. Any believer struggling in trials should be encouraged that God loves them by how I love Karrie. Believers trapped in Legalism should see how I love Karrie and understand that, just like I accept, love, and cherish her regardless of her sin because I chose her, so does God love them. Unbelievers we interact with should confront the sacrificial, unconditional, kind love of God for them in how I love Karrie.

My love for Karrie is designed to be a means of grace in the lives of others that the Holy Spirit uses to sanctify them. This is a big deal because how I treat Karrie is a didactic proclamation to the world: "This is how God loves you!" And I must be careful to present God's self-sacrificial love, unconditional grace, and immeasurable kindness - to do otherwise is blasphemy.

Husbands, make your wives beautiful to yourself - it is a Gospel issue.