Biblical Friendship, Part 1: Introduction
Introduction
We live in a world that idolizes friendship. Friends are the
subject (and title) of entire television series in the sitcom genre, the main
participants in holiday traditions like “Friendsgiving” and the “International
Day of Friendship,” the subject of new apps, and increasingly valued over other
relationships with the slogan “friends are forever.”
The label “toxic friendship” has become a popular way to
refer to one-sided or selfish relationships that “drain our energy and
negatively impact our wellbeing.”[2] Social media has led to the phenomenon of labeling hordes of unknown
individuals “friends.” New apps have been created for the express purpose of
finding friends, on the premise that “Just as dating apps have helped to solve
the dilemma of finding love in the digital age, apps to make friends are
working to fill another void.”[3] In the midst of the increasing interconnectivity of the digital age, true
friendships seem to have faded, and Christian circles are not exempt to this
death of friendship. What is the solution to this state of affairs?
Friendship in Scripture
Though not often preached from the pulpit, friendship is a biblical category of relationship, and one that colors the pages of Scripture more than the average believer realizes. At a basic level, it is clear that human beings are made for relationships with both God and other people (Gen. 2:18), and these relationships are meant to provide stability and security in life (Eccl. 4:9-12). The book of Proverbs contains clear warnings about the kinds of friends one should not have (Pro. 1:8-19), but also speaks of the positive impact such relationships can have (Pr. 17:17); few are unfamiliar with the maxim “Iron sharpens iron” (27:17). The words “But Amnon had a friend” are the foreboding preamble to a sordid affair (2 Sam. 13:3), and Job’s three “friends” are renowned for their unhelpfulness (Job 42:7-9). Yet, who can produce a better example of selfless friendship than that of Jonathan and David (1 Sam. 18:1-4)? That is, aside from our Savior himself, who said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Friendship is a key aspect of the Christian life which we neglect at our own peril.
Friendship is a key aspect of the Christian life which we neglect at our own peril.
If the teaching of Scripture is neglected, then relationships become self-focused rather than following the example of Christ. The current cultural climate seeks in friendship complete agreement, validation, and acceptance of one’s “authentic self,” which often amounts to little more than a person’s unbridled flesh. In contrast, God’s plan for friendships is that they would offer correction when we are in sin, not comfort (Pro. 27:6, 9). Again, culture claims any relationship that is not exactly equal in effort is “toxic,” but Scripture calls for a friend that sticks closer than family through good times and bad (Pro. 18:24). Social media syndrome would have us believe that the key to avoiding loneliness is a vast network of many diverse friends, but Scripture warns that such an attitude of using people often leads to ruin (Pro. 18:24). The paradox of self-focused friendship seeks both friends you can rely on and who desperately need you, but God warns us that people will fail us, while he is our constant refuge (Ps. 31;11-14). Indeed, as is the case with all areas of life for a Christian, true biblical friendship is counter cultural not just in its outworking but in its very foundation and motivations.
True biblical friendship is counter cultural
So, how can we summarize the teaching of Scripture on friendship? In a sermon on that very theme, Timothy Keller summarized the key features of biblical friendship as constancy, carefulness, candor, and counsel. Constancy refers to the fact that a true friend, rather than allowing you to proceed on the path to ruin, will seek to help you on the way (Pro. 17:17; 18:24). Carefulness speaks of an empathetic and compassionate spirit that is not content to observe another’s joys and sorrows but joins in them (Pro. 25:20; Rom. 12:15); as Keller himself poignantly quipped, “If I can be happy when you’re sad, you’re not my friend.” Next, candor is willingness to speak truthfully, even when it is unpleasant, since “Refusing to tell truth is love for self” (27:5-6, 9; 29:5; Eph. 4:15-16; 4:25). Finally, counsel joins all three previous traits together in that a friend must be encouraging and uplifting, as well as willing to warn the other of danger by truthfully and lovingly confronting sinful tendencies that lead to ruin. In Keller’s words again, “If the counsel is always reassuring and sweet, or if it’s always challenging and clashing, there’s emotional exploitation going on” (27:9, 17). While there is certainly more to be said of friendship in the Bible (as this series will demonstrate), these four keys serve as a solid foundation. True, biblical friendship has as its goal that it “always lets you in, never lets you down.”[4]
Defining Friendship
After the previous section, you may think that a definition
of friendship is unnecessary. However, there are still many questions
remaining, such as how friendship differs from other relationships in life. Does
friendship overlap with or is it distinct from marriage, family, church,
authority, and other areas of life? At what point does one become a friend, and
is a friend distinct from an acquaintance or companion? These questions can be
difficult to answer; truth be told, there is division on some of them. I offer
in this section some thoughts from others who have weighed in on this matter.
In his book “The Four Loves,” C. S. Lewis seeks to explain
the distinction between friendship and companionship using a simple rule: “Most
people know you and want to know you because you’re useful to them … [A] friend
has deliberately made you not a means to an end but an end in yourself.”[5] In practice, however, this distinction may be difficult to realize – how does
one know when they have crossed the threshold from self-investment to
investment in the other, and does not a person seek out friendship for at least
some of its advantages? Lewis narrows his definition by venturing upon a second
distinction of friendship: exclusivity. While companionship includes all who
have something in common, friendship excludes individuals based upon their
willingness to perform the duties of friendship. In essence, there is a job
description; if you do not accept it, you do not receive the status of friend.
What are these duties of friendship? I would posit that Keller’s aforementioned
list of constancy, carefulness, candor, and counsel serves well here. So, biblical
friendship is distinct from mere companionship or acquaintances as a higher
relationship with clear goals.
The next question one must ask is whether friendship is distinct from other relationships that would be considered more exclusive, namely marriage. While there are varieties of opinions on this issue, I tend to view friendship as the baseline for all significant human relationships, and then add on the requirements for specific relationships like marriage, family, authority, etc. For instance, I would agree with the view of Lewis and Keller that there are three levels of friendship, of which marriage is the pinnacle (more on that in a later post). While some would argue that it cheapens marriage to think of it as friendship, I would counter that marriage is certainly more than but also certainly not less than friendship, especially when friendship is defined according to Keller’s four keys: constancy, carefulness, candor, and counsel.
Christian friendship is intentionally moving toward God together
Marriage – and any other human relationship more than a mere
acquaintance – should have at least these features in a Christian worldview. Is
this kind of friendship not the foundation of the “one another” passages given
to the church?[6] Is it
not at least a component of parenting, which seeks to “bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4)? Is the heart of a
pastor not to “care for the church of God” (Acts 20:28)? Yet, marriage
and friendship are distinct in that marriage involves long-term, exclusive,
covenant commitment; a friendship that required this level of exclusivity would
be idolatrous (more on that later, too).[7] So, while claiming that marriage or family relationships are merely friendship is
certainly inaccurate, friendship must be a part of these relationships if they
are to be meaningful; otherwise, they are mere acquaintances.
Conclusion
So, for the purpose of this series, how am I defining friendship? Based upon the teaching of Scripture, I will argue that the ultimate purpose of friendship is knowing God, which leads to sanctification. So, the best way to think of Christian friendship is intentionally moving toward God together. In short, friendship in Scripture seems to be summed up in the duties usually regarded as love. Perhaps that is broader than our usual understanding of friendship, but then, perhaps it is our definition that is too narrow. In my next few posts, I will make the case that friendship is God’s idea, gift, tool, and goal.
[1] https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-and-loss/
[2] https://www.calm.com/blog/toxic-friendships
[3] https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/g29873497/best-friendship-apps/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=mgu_ga_opr_d_bm_prog_org_us_g29873497&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw6JS3BhBAEiwAO9waF5SlB7SLiZJdFzs2GM0AcMrnh_oa81070fwQKx0YE9kZr0BgChCuOhoCaDIQAvD_BwE
[4] Timothy
Keller, “Friendship,” youtu.be/8Tc4VIQrXdE.
[5] C. S. Lewis, “The Four Loves.”
[6] Love
(John 13:34-35; 15:12, 17; Rom. 12:10; 13:8; 1 Thess. 3:22; 4:9; 1 Pet. 1:22;
4:8; 1 John 3:11, 23; 4:7, 11, 12; 2 John 5); live in harmony (Rom. 12:16;
15:5, 7); edify, don’t sinfully judge/hinder (Rom. 14:13); greet (Rom. 16:16; 1
Cor. 16:20; 1 Pet. 4:14); care for (1 Cor. 12:25); serve (John 13:14; Gal.
5:13); bear burdens (Gal 6:1-5); bear with (Eph. 4:2; Col. 3:13); be kind (Eph.
4:32); value more than yourselves (Phil 2:3); encourage (1 Thess. 5:11); do
good (1 Thess. 5:15); stir up to love and good works (Heb. 10:24); confess your
sins (James 5:16); show hospitality (1 Pet. 4:9).
[7] Kelly Needham, "Friendish."
All Scripture verses come from the ESV.
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