What Is Respect? Part 3: Parenting
This is the third post in a seven-part series; see parts 1
and 2
first.
The Study Thus Far
I am writing this blog series because, in spite of the clear teaching of Scripture regarding these categories, they are not clearly understood, and so the word “respect” often becomes a banner for generational values rather than a reference to biblical Christian character. Here, again, are my main proposals for working through each level of the respect pyramid:
- All respect is ultimately for God
- Respect has three different forms or levels
- The different levels have different theological bases
- The different levels have different requirements
In my last post, I embarked upon the second level of respect – submission – and the first of the five sub-categories pertinent to this level: marriage. Today’s post will tackle the second sub-category: parenting. But before we begin, allow me to rehash the basis behind my claim that submission to authority is ultimately submission to God:
- God created everything – This means that everything belongs to God, everything exists for God’s glory, and every person owes God full obedience (1 Ch. 29:11).
- God grants authority to his creation - This means that no human being intrinsically deserves submission. It comes from God – it's not about people's worth; it's about honoring God's appointment (Dan. 2:21; John 19:11; Rom. 13:1).
As I work through each sub-category in the submission level of the respect pyramid, I am doing so according to five main scriptural principles. You can see these principles fully explained in my previous post in this series, but here they are in summary form:
- All authority is God’s authority (Romans 13:1-2).
- Our use of authority makes claims about God (Genesis 1:26-30).
- All leadership should be servant leadership (Matthew 20:25-28).
- The goal of authority is to encourage godly living (1 Timothy 2:1-3).
- Submission is living out your position before God (1 Peter 2:13-15).
There are five hierarchies that God has established which constitute the five sub-categories of submission: husbands and wives, parents and children, citizens and government, employers and employees, and pastors and congregants. This series is seven posts long so that each sub-category of submission can receive its own post.
- Introduction & Courtesy
- Submission, Part 1: Marriage
- Submission, Part 2: Parenting [this post]
- Submission, Part 3:Government
- Submission, Part 4:Workplace
- Submission, Part 5: Church
- Imitation & Conclusions
Let us now examine the second sub-category of submission: parenting
Disclaimer
I am not a parent. I do not have any experience with
parenting. Since it is not an active area of my life, it is not a topic that I
have studied as extensively as marriage, work, or church. That being said, I am
not developing any new ideas or strategies in this post – I am simply seeking
to elucidate what God has said in his Word, and no amount of experience or
expertise can change the clear commands and principles laid forth in Scripture.
Scripture is the final authority, not experience.
As you read this post, you may disagree with me in terms of
my theology, and if that is the case I invite conversation because I am seeking
to grow my knowledge on this subject. However, you may find yourself disagreeing
because it is not what you were taught, or assumed, or had exemplified to you.
Maybe you will disagree because of the practical implications of the principles
I am applying. As a reader, your responsibility is to be discerning and to make
sure that what I have said accords with God’s Word, but I caution you not to
dismiss God’s Word because of personal bias or inconvenience.
It was Christ himself who said, “If you abide in my word,
you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth
will set you free” (John 8:31-32). If you do not seek truth, you become a
slave to lies. Whew! Now, let’s get on with the discussion.
Submission Sub-Category 2: Parenting
While much discussion of parenting in Christian circles has
centered on how exactly parents should discipline their children (a topic on
which I am not qualified to comment), there has been virtually no debate over
whether children are to obey their parents; indeed, the command to honor and
obey parents is found repeatedly in both Testaments (Ex. 20:12; Lev. 19:3; Deut.
5:16; Mt. 15:14; Eph. 6:1-2; Col. 3:20). But let’s analyze this aspect of
submission using the schema of the five principles I have set forth.
All authority is God’s authority – This hierarchy is
established early on in Scripture: God is in authority over the parent, who is
in authority over the child. What this means is that the child is to obey his
parents “in the Lord, for this is right” (Eph. 6:1). The child must honor God’s
appointed authority in his parents, and the parents must honor God as their
authority by using what God has granted to them to fulfill God’s purposes. I
will discuss what that authority and submission look like in greater detail
below, but for now we must note that the authority of parents over children
comes from God, and therefore to reject that authority is to reject God’s plan
for the world he made.
Our use of authority makes claims about God – Scripture
makes this point less explicitly for children than it does for husbands and
wives, but a broad look at Scripture shows that it still stands. In the New
Testament, one of the primary metaphors used to refer to God as a whole – and
especially the first Person of the Trinity – is “Father.” Yet, how many of us
have spoken with a person who stumbled at this picture because of their poor
example in an earthly father? Even the author of Hebrews admits to the
disparity between our perfect heavenly Father and our finite and fallen earthly
fathers: “For they [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for a short time as it
seemed best to them, but he [our heavenly Father] disciplines us for our good,
that we may share his holiness” (Heb. 12:10). Fathers, beware lest you give
your children the wrong impression of God. If an earthly father treats his
children as if they must gain his favor through works, he will push them toward
legalism; if his love for them is fickle, he causes them to doubt the goodness
and faithfulness of their heavenly Father’s love; if he threatens to leave them,
he leads them to doubt their eternal security in their Savior; if he harms or
abuses them, he makes them despair at the thought of a sovereign Father who could
do likewise. Though the analogy is not as straightforward for mothers, they too
bear the task of demonstrating the character of God as his image-bearing
mediatorial authorities, and so bear condemnation for misrepresenting him. Parents,
your responsibility is great, for at stake is the very glory of God! Yet this
is not all that is required of you.
All leadership should be servant leadership – Lest we
still think that parents are God-appointed despots, we should further note that
parents are directly addressed in the New Testament passages that enjoin
children to obey. As was the case with husbands and wives, we must notice that
the New Testament places the burden of responsibility on the authority: Paul
says, “Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath” (Eph. 6:4), and again, “Fathers,
do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). Yet
this address – “fathers” – should be understood to refer to both parents and
not simply the male parent, according to its use in Greek (Heb. 11:23).[1] Even were this not the case, we should not assume that those actions forbidden
to the father are permitted to the mother; indeed, they are sinful for both. The
authority of parents is to be used to accomplish God’s purposes, not their own,
since God is the head of the hierarchy and the source of the authority. Therefore,
parents disobey God when they use their God-given authority to serve themselves
rather than their children who are in God’s image and have been granted to them
for training in godliness. Punishing a child because they embarrass you is
called abuse. Discipline is surely needed, but it serves a higher a higher
purpose than pragmatism.
The goal of authority is godly living – Ephesians 6:4
continues to say, “but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the
lord.” Here, again, we see that the purpose of the God-given authority to
parents is for the purpose of producing godliness in their offspring. Proverbs
clarifies for us these two processes of discipline (3:11-12; 13:24; 19:18;
22:15; 23:13-14; 29:15-17) and instruction (1:8; 3:1; 4:10; 6:20) as based in
love for the child and as pointing them toward love for God. As mentioned regarding
marriage, we should note here that parents are to model submission for their
children and not just demand it from them. We should not wonder that children
rebel against authority when their parents frequently slander and disobey those
in authority over themselves, especially the government, employers, and church
leadership. The goal of parenting is to produce adults capable of serving as
leaders in their own right who will in turn point others to Christ in both the
church and the world, and this is involves discipline, instruction, and
example.
Submission is living out your position before God – As
referenced already, the Fifth Commandment, repeated in Ephesians 6:2, tells
children to “honor your father and mother;” the New Testament
interpretation of this Old Testament command is that children are thus to obey
their parents. By way of caveat, we must again note that this submission is not
unqualified. As with any authority, we do not follow sinful leaders into sin
(Acts 5:29), which means that if parents command their child to do anything
that would harm or degrade a human being in God’s image – including the child themself
– such a command must not be obeyed, as to do so would again be sin. And yet,
unlike the situation with wives, submission for a child to his parents does
include obedience. This obedience is “in everything, for this pleases the
Lord” (Col. 3:20), since it is ultimately submission to God to submit to
one’s God-ordained parents. But lest we be tempted to stop there, we must
acknowledge that there is more to this submission that mere compliance; there
should be an attitude of willingness to be led, for while honoring includes
obedience for children, all people are to honor their parents as long as they
live (Mt. 15:1-9). For adult children, this means seeking their parents’ input
and advice and ensuring they are cared for in their age, though obedience ends
with the passing of youth.
Conclusion
This has been a shorter post, and that is likely a welcome fact
in light of the previous post’s length and depth. Again, my concern and
motivation in writing this series has been that many do not understand what the
word “respect” means, either when they hear it or (more grievously) when they command
it. As a person who places ultimate and unreserved confidence in the teaching
of Scripture and its applicability in all of life, my desire is to show God’s
plan for respect, especially in the arena of authority.
There have been many who have abused both their authority as
well as those placed under their authority by God, and we need to understand
that such abuses are sin; while they do not ultimately disqualify the authority
since it is not innate but granted by God, that authority also has limits and
intended purposes. While no authority this side of eternity will be perfect, we
must aim for the high goal of Christ himself, who said,
“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:25b-28)
[1] BDAG:
A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian
Literature, 3rd ed., p.786:1:b.
All Scripture verses come from the ESV.
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